The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Otters see a butterfly.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.