are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
🏙👨🏼
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me: