HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
reminder
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots