I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
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step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes