My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.