I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.