going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Tony Hawk, age 6
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee