Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
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Seals are just dog mermaids.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike