Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
You Might Also Like
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Does beer think about me too?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel