[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Proofread twice, hang posters once
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works