Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
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Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three