My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.