Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
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Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit