My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
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[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Discuss
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.