I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Oh thanks BBC.