I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
The old gods are rising again.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.