People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
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Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Customize Your Wedding.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.