When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.