wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
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I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Go hard or stay average
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy