When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
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Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.