Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
You Might Also Like
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My current situation
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?