Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
i wish we could shoplift online
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were