I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.