HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
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Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
The first matador
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.