You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name