My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
You Might Also Like
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
huge if true: the moon
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*