Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
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*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I wish this was real life…
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER