Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.