If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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Wake me when AI does housework
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?