Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
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CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.