Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser