[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Smile they said.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?