It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*