britain’s three elite institutions
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me