How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.