*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
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ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂