You Might Also Like
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.