Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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men are simple creatures
guys i’ve cracked the code
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart