I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
You Might Also Like
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”