When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Storm Tropical Storm
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Good Morning.