Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
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*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.