I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
You Might Also Like
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.