This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I might carry a baby with one hand.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.