[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.