Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
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PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
This is sending me to another galaxy
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.