[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Interior design 👌
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves