Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all