You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
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Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?