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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
No, he would not have.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Jurassic park gets weird
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean