What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
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me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”